My husband is NOT straight. Yes, you read that correctly. This statement may sound like an oxymoron, a joke, but no, it’s now a fact of my life. My husband told me he is bisexual after 13 years of a “straight” marriage.
However, maybe “straight” isn’t the best term to describe this speed bump in my life. The term straight implies something is “to the point”, correct, or good. Per a quick internet search, the phrase “the straight and narrow” means “the honest and morally acceptable way of living”. But as I have started living the reality of my husband being bisexual and not “straight”, I have begun to question if anything other than “straight” (at least in regards to sexuality) really is immoral and as bad as our society sometimes leads us to believe.
Sure, straight gets you to your destination faster and with less hassle, but it also sounds like driving across Kansas on I-70; boring with the occasional adult billboard thrown in for some shock value.
Some of my favorite car trips have been on curvy roads with many unplanned stops and detours. The famous State Route 1 Highway in California is far from a straight line and yet folks flock to it to enjoy the curves and the beauty that surrounds it.
If I have to choose between a life of I-70 across Kansas or navigating the curves and attractions along State Route 1 Highway, Route 1 wins hands down.
With that thought in mind, maybe the image title should read “My Husband is NOT Heterosexual.” That title seems like a more fitting one with less immediate judgment attached. After all bisexual people get married too.
Now that we have clarified my husband’s lack of heterosexuality, you may wonder how I even know this information. Further, how does a man that identifies as not heterosexual marry a heterosexual female? That is a great question and I wish with all my heart that I had a great answer for it. What I can tell you is my life suddenly transformed from I-70 to Route 1.
So, gather round kids and bring a cold one (or two), this is the story of how a girl goes from the fairy tale of Cinderella to more of the story of Shrek. You recall Shrek, right? The fairytale story that despite Shrek not turning into the “ideal” fairy tale prince at the end, he and Fiona still got to live happily ever after.
Curvy Bisexual Roads Ahead
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. When I married him as a young bride, he identified as heterosexual. One mortgage, two kids, multiple jobs, a host of amazing memories and a little bit of kink later, he identifies more as a bi-sexual than heterosexual.
This transition in identity began to emerge after my husband accepted an aspect of himself considered a form of kink. The specific kink he associates with is irrelevant to our story, however, the impact of becoming a member of the kink community is not. Topped off with some, let’s say, bedroom experimentation, some long-repressed feelings and memories started to bubble up.
At first, I was completely unaware of his internal conflict. I tend to sleep like a rock and hadn’t noticed him not sleeping and getting up in the night. He has a high tolerance for sleep deprivation and can act completely fine despite a couple sleepless nights. It wasn’t until he had been sleepless for a couple months that I began to really notice (I’m tellin’ ya, wife of the year right. here.) During his sleepless nights, he journaled his thoughts and feelings surrounding his new bisexual feelings.
Additionally, through the kink community, he has been more regularly exposed to a very diverse and accepting group of individuals. These individuals more openly share and are accepted for who they are (straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, etc.). This open acceptance seemed to peel away some of the shame and suppression of his own feelings around sexuality. Feelings that he didn’t even know he was hiding.
Hitting the Brakes: My Husband Told Me He Is Bisexual
He started sharing more about his sexuality struggles with me via his writing. One particular writing busted the sexuality floodgates wide open. In hindsight, he should not have shared the writing with me as early as he did. It would have been better had he spent more time to develop his thoughts and the why behind them first. After reading his writings, my initial response was anger.
No. Anger is too mild a word.
It was more like pure, unadulterated rage. I stormed from the living room to the kitchen for some space. Two seconds later I stuck my head back around the corner, flames bursting from my mouth, and snarled, “Who the FUCK are you?”
Keep in mind this man is my. best. friend. ever. and that’s not something every wife can say of her husband. So to blast someone you love and care for so deeply with this kind of raw emotion is going to cause damage to the relationship. Fortunately, we have a very open communication style with each other and a lot of grace too. That said, it still left a hole we continue to repair months after the fact.
Unfortunately, it is not the only hole that has been opened over the last few months. We’ll dig into those holes in other posts.
Since then the road hasn’t stopped winding and twisting with crazy bisexual attractions all along the route. There have been many tears, anger, grief, and stress over the months. However, there has also been joy and strengthening of our relationship. Though our relationship is not the Cinderella story I imaged as a girl, the vulnerability my husband has shown in, not only exploring this new facet of himself but sharing his bisexual feelings with me has allowed our story to continue. Even if that story now looks more like the story of Shrek than Cinderella.
Continuing the journey
Over the years, the symbol of the rainbow has become a representation of LGBTQ community. It is a community that I have had limited exposure to up to this point. As my husband and I continue our journey, I am learning and discovering more and more about the sexuality rainbow.
Rainbows are beautiful, mysterious, and amazing creations of nature. They form after tremendous, devastating storms but also after light sprinkles. However, all rainbows require a little sunshine to form. I once read the following quote:
“I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it’s only a choice of attitude.” ~ Judith M. Knowlton
As I traverse this winding bisexual highway with my husband not knowing where it ends, I have a choice. I can either be the storm or the sunshine. I choose to be the sunshine. I want both myself and my husband to discover the sexuality rainbow together.
The purpose of my writings on this blog is two-fold:
- Help myself to process and adapt to a new reality in a healthier way
- That I may give hope and help to others that may also be struggling with husband’s changing or newly revealed sexuality
In order to do this, I plan keep my writings as honest and raw about my feelings, thoughts and actions as I possibly can. I don’t have all the answers. I probably never will. Each story is different and has it’s own unique path. Please feel free to hitchhike on my journey as I discover the rainbow.
Sunshine note: This post was written pre-divorce decision. However this post summarizes the main purpose of this blog – to document my life journey. I have included it to demonstrate the shifting emotions and perspective in less than a 6-month time span.