Gay isn’t always flamboyant in nature. Yet, media and the population, in general, tend to forget that fact. The subtle signs my husband is gay were not what I thought I should be looking for. When questioning if your guy is gay, check out the subtle signs I experienced below.
Throughout this crazy journey I’m on, I’ve had lots of responses to my unique (but not all that uncommon) situation. From “Take care of yourself” to random comments from my mom, a couple of questions always seems to be asked, “How did you not know?” or “Weren’t there any signs that my husband is gay?”
Whether it is rude to ask or not, people are curious – and quite frankly so am I.
I’ll take “How did I not know I was married to a gay man for $800, Alex.”
The first thing I would like to clarify is this: My husband, Rainbow, did not know he is gay. So how the hell would someone expect me to know he is gay!?!
Yes, I truly, honestly believe that Rainbow had so deeply suppressed his emotions about his own sexuality that he had no earthly clue nor did he secretly desire to be gay. Even he now sees the subtle signs he is gay.
Stereotypes Aren’t Always Accurate
If you do a quick internet search about this burning question, you will find all sorts of “signs your spouse is gay” articles. Many of these articles will refer to:
– physical appearance
– extreme homophobic tendencies
– porn (straight or gay) addiction
– being overly secretive or evasive
Many lists expound on physical appearance for signs my husband is gay. They talk about your husband wearing trendy clothing, always being physically neat and tidy, working out, and being very aware of staying in shape and looking good.
This was not Rainbow.
I always shopped for him and picked out his clothes. Including making him shift from his flannel dress shirt and pleated dress pants look, to solid color shirts and flat dress pants. Rainbow’s idea of a causal shirt was a one-size-to-big C9 moisture wicking exercise shirt from Target. It was terrible.
His nails used to drive me nuts too! To look at his hands you would have thought he was a homeless man. Rainbow’s cuticles were half way up his actual nail and were hard and crusty. It. was. gross. Not to mention the sharp angled edges of his nails that he always cut too short.
Speaking of short, Rainbow’s hair was a home buzz cut from the time I met him until he met The Other woMan. No style, no gel, no desire to be trendy at all. Stylish was not a word in his vocabulary.
As for working out? Nope. He would run a few miles on occasion but nothing consistent. And the only time I ever saw him set foot in a gym was back in college; when I went to the gym, he would tag along with me. He did watch what he ate and tried to eat healthily. It was a running joke that the wait staff always tried to give me the salad he ordered at restaurants.
Hindsight, his lack of interest in appearance may have been a subtle sign of his repressed homosexuality.
Extreme Homophobic Tendencies
I have always thought that anytime people have an extreme reaction to something, it’s because it’s a reflection of something they dislike about themselves. So this tidbit of a sign doesn’t surprise me at all. Think about it, what do you most dislike about others? Now honestly reflect on your own life, is it a trait you see in yourself that you hate?
For years we suspected Rainbow’s brother is gay. There are many indicators. Little things like the brother’s “roommate” taking the brother’s dog to the vet, vacationing together, getting coffee for each other in the morning without a word spoken, and sidelong glances at the dinner table. Oh, and did I mention they have lived together for almost as long as Rainbow and I were married without a singular girlfriend between the two of them??
While this was happening, Rainbow and I would actively make supportive comments to his brother in the hopes he would share with us his homosexuality. We discussed regularly how everyone deserves to be loved for who they are and not who they love.
I have never heard Rainbow make a homophobic remark.
This one makes me laugh! I am one the one that reads smut romance novels, not Rainbow. I’m pretty sure prior to me Rainbow had never been exposed to porn!
(Again, this could be another subtle sign a guy is gay, I guess, or at least something is different about his sexuality.)
Next sign, please.
Being Overly Secretive Or Evasive
Again, this sign need not apply. Rainbow and I have a very open communication relationship even now. We regularly text throughout the day about, well….everything. During our marriage, our calendar was online and we both could see everything the other was doing and when. (This became a minor issue when I stopped sharing my calendar with Rainbow a couple months after the divorce decision.)
I was in charge of the finances. Our money was combined so I knew all spending, and, courtesy of online technology, so did he.
The only time I can think of when he didn’t share something with me was related to his kink. However, that all came out with a little Truth Serum. But even then, once it was out there, he actively encouraged me to ask questions and share my thoughts. I even helped him with the personal blog he writes related to his kink.
Further, just because a spouse is secretive doesn’t mean it’s because they are homosexual.
Outwardly there were no obvious, stereotypical signs that Rainbow was gay.
Subtle Signs My Husband is Gay
While some stereotypes were not accurate for me, others were. However, without the more obvious physical signs listed above, I didn’t even know to look for them.
I did feel Rainbow’s homosexuality for years. Those feelings manifested themselves in various ways.
But let’s start with the subtle physical signs of my husband being gay, shall we?
At the time Rainbow shared his kink, I had no clue this was a physical indicator of a deeper emotional situation. Some articles out there do reference to “strange sexual demands” or “use of sex toys” as a sign of a spouse being gay.
That said, again, just because a person likes a certain type of sex or uses adult toys doesn’t mean they are gay. It would be like claiming because a person likes Mexican food they secretly long to be of Mexican descent. Um… no.
Initiation of Sex
This was probably the biggest physical sign my husband is gay. He would very rarely initiate sex after the first handful of years. I was almost always the party that sought out physical relations. If I didn’t, he would leave me alone for weeks…
On the flip side of that, because I always initiated, I felt a bit like a freak. Why am I always the one seeking physical affection beyond holding hands and cuddling? That just doesn’t seem or feel right to me. Most women seem to fight tooth and nail to get cuddling without sex, not the other way around!
Further, Rainbow made a comment about needing to think about “making babies” to orgasm. When he made that statement, I thought nothing of it (we were trying to make babies at the time). But now…well, it has a different meaning.
Desire for Women
When I first met Rainbow, there was a definite spark! He and I both vividly recall seeing each other for the first time. The attraction was certainly mutual. I was 19 and he was 20 at the time.
The very first hint of a red flag regarding his homosexuality was that I was his “first”. Now, don’t misread and think that I’m saying if you don’t have sex in your teens you are gay. That’s not what I’m saying. Plenty of people choose to wait.
However, the flag in this situation was that we slept together (truly slept) the whole night without any moves being made. In the morning, I actively sought out a little physical fun – and he stopped me. He wanted to discuss birth control and what would happen if I got pregnant. I was floored by this and thrilled! I had found a sensitive and sensible man. (Rainbow is still a sensitive and sensible man.)
Another key point that I thought highly of at the time, but was clearly an indicator of Rainbow’s homosexuality, was he never gawked at other women. Like. Ever. I loved this when I was married to him. I never had to worry about my husband having an affair.
That’s it. Other than these three physical signs, there was no clue that Rainbow is gay.
There may not have been many physical signs of Rainbow’s homosexuality, but there were mountains of emotional signs my husband is gay!
The problem with emotional signs is that only I felt them. Rainbow didn’t know what he didn’t know. If you have never felt the sun on your face, you have no clue what it feels like or that you should be feeling it when you step outside.
I had been outside in previous relationships. I had felt the sun.
“This is it?”
The largest feeling that followed me was the “This is it?” sensation. I recall many a time sitting on my back deck, drink in hand, thinking “Is this really all there is to life?” Where was the excitement and thrill of life I would read about in books?
I never thought it was my marriage causing those feelings. In response to those feelings, I blamed my career choice and my finances. Lack of hobbies or recreational activities. Never once questioning my relationship with Rainbow.
But no matter how many different careers I tried and how much I improved my finances or increased activities, the feeling never went away.
Dreams of Old Flames
Probably the most bizarre emotional sign I was married to a gay man was my dreams. I believe that in our dreams our heart is processing what our minds do not allow during wakefulness.
In my case, I dreamed of old flames for years! (This may be true of women married to straight men too – I don’t know.) These dreams would happen typically once every 1-2 months. Sometimes I would wake up and tell Rainbow about them and we would chuckle. Again, I blamed these dreams on some strange lack of closure with those individuals. Alas, I now see that these dreams (for me) were reflections of the lack of passion with Rainbow. A subtle sign my husband is gay that I didn’t even know I was looking at!
Side note: After speaking with several other women, I guess it is not all that uncommon to dream about past loves. Given this new information, I’m going to be bold and claim dreams of this nature just indicate some type of emotional unrest in your relationship. Don’t ignore this! Examine further what might be causing your relationship unrest.
I have no desire to pursue any of these old flames. And, not surprisingly, since Rainbow shared he is gay with me and we decided to divorce, I have not had a single dream about old flames.
Some of the more sporadic emotional indicators were the random thoughts that would pop into my mind at various times. During my marriage, it was like my brain had a mind of its own.
When these thoughts cropped up, I would shake them off with a, “Well, that’s a weird thought.”
A couple examples for you to gnaw on:
1) When visiting my in-laws, I was walking down the hallway near my brother-in-law’s room and thought, “Since Rainbow’s brother is gay, I don’t have to be worried about Rainbow being gay. After all, what are the odds that both brothers are gay?”
2) After Rainbow’s vasectomy (no more babies surgery), I was getting supplies for him from under the master bath sinks. Standing up I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, “Thank God! I can still have babies with someone else if I want.”
These are only two specific thoughts that I recall. Over the years there were dozens. These thoughts don’t necessarily indicate homosexuality, but they certainly point out that my marriage relationship was not emotionally healthy.
As with all these signs, drinking alone does not indicate that your spouse is gay. However, it certainly points to some serious emotions that you are trying to drown at the bottom of a bottle.
Rainbow and I had hosted many a “deck party” over the years. We were known for our outstanding margarita recipe! Rainbow even got his bartending certificate a few years into our marriage and expanded the drink menu. “The Deck” was a well-known place among our group of friends. Good food, good company, and outstanding adult drinks!
While there is nothing wrong with social drinking, our drinking quickly morphed into a daily habit. As our marriage went on, and especially after learning about Rainbow’s kink, I drank more and more. So did Rainbow.
Again, drinking alone isn’t a sign a husband is gay; just that something emotionally isn’t good. In my case, I felt something was “off” with Rainbow. However, I was comfortable in life. I had what society told me I should have on the surface. A spouse, two kids, two dogs, good careers, nice home, friends, and a white picket fence. So…I tried to drown the emotion of something being wrong to hold on to my comfortable life.
Not surprisingly, I do not drink the way I did prior to my divorce. There are no longer feelings to drown.
Life Is Like Music
All these emotional feelings (or lack of feelings depending on your view), did not add up to homosexuality. These physical signs and feelings alone do not indicate that Rainbow is gay. There are plenty of reasons that an individual may feel the way I did that have nothing to do with their husband being gay. Maybe it’s just not a good relationship!
Rainbow was a model husband and father.
He checked all the boxes of a good husband. He kissed me goodbye and gave hugs when getting home. He helped clean the kitchen and cared about what was put on the walls. He supported all my crazy career changes and trusted me with our finances. He shared almost everything with me and we regularly texted throughout the day. He is an excellent communicator!
Rainbow is a fantastic father. He reads books to the kids and helps with homework. He helps put the kids to bed. He is always willing to jump in and help with discipline and keeping order.
When you just look at my life from the outside, my life was ideal. I had the “American Dream” including an amazing, loving spouse.
However, life is like music. You can sing all the right words and hit all the notes perfectly and the music can still be uninspiring.
The most perfectly executed musical performance without passion and emotion lacks in comparison to a four-year singer belting out the wrong words and slightly off-kilter tune with unabashed gusto!
The silence and sense of awe in a music hall during an opera performed by a world-renowned singer is totally different from the laughter and joy felt in the gym during the elementary school concert.
My life’s music was lacking even with all the “right” actions and “right” outward appearance.
I was at the opera when I needed to be at the elementary school concert.
Hindsight is always 20/20 for a reason – you know what to look for. I now see all the subtle signs that my husband is gay.
If you are feeling something is “off” in your life, maybe you need to look at your marriage. Regardless of whether your husband is gay or not, life is too short to be a part of the wrong audience.